Another Day

Oh and yet another day of interesting events. Had to take myself to a doc appointment for girly issues and then on top of it had to lose my truck today! Yet another problem with the guys deploy! Oh and i miss my mom so much, today Tristen decided he was going to pull something out of the movies which was WAIT FOR IT< WAIT FOR IT. He put his tongue on the pole covered in ice and ripped it off of the pole and then bled everywhere! I felt horrible for him! I wish my mom was here for some kind of guidance or comfort in all of these situation. She used to have all the answers and always cutting jokes to make me laugh when nothing else seems to help. It will be ok though. On the up side to everything, the deployment isn't going as bad as I thought. I miss him dearly and wish he was here. Though Tristen cries every time something goes wrong but we sit down and now talk through it now. His temper is getting much worse. I'm not sure what to do now because taking toys, and time out as well as screaming and spanking is not helping. Not sure where to go from here. I would give anything just to see his uniforms thrown all over the place as well as those smelly boots at the front door. It will be ok though because these days will pass too, something my mom would say all the time!

She flies with the Angels Now

January 25th at 9:10am my dear sweet mother Maxine Suzanne Smith was pronounced dead. My father called me and told me at (5:25am(Alaska time)) It has to have been the saddest day of my life. I never truly thought i would have to say goodbye to the one person that has been my rock and my comfort for so many years. I can remember growing up and asking my mom if she would ever go bye bye and she promised me she wouldn't. On my entry into basic training she looked at me with those eyes of pure pride in my and I never thought i could live up to that. When i graduated and came home with time to spare and announce that i was being shipped to Iraq i watched tears of resentment roll down her face and she wished i had gone to college instead. But still she told me that i was her greatest accomplishment. When i came home on RnR she was so very happy to see me and i spent 2 whole weeks in her arms. This is where i learned that she had beat cancer. It was the hardest time. I promised her that it would be ok and that i would be home soon. When i came home from Iraq, i drove all night to surprised her and when i arrived at her door, she was angry i had not told her i was coming so she could do her makeup. LOL My mom was such a perfectionist. She still opened her arms and cried that i was finally home. I told her that i had fallen in love and not only was i going to active duty but that i was moving across country to be with this man! She was happy but sad to see her little was growing up and leaving the nest. In the next year i called my mom EVERY SINGLE DAY. I called her one afternoon and asked her if she was sitting and her words to me were "you are pregnant aren't  you Jessica Anne' i returned with a solom 'yes ma'am' and then after a silence 'and he asked me to marry him'! I had never heard my mom so very excited. She came to see the birth of her grandson and welcomed ever cherished moment. When i called yet again with the same news that i was pregnant again she told me that "this time you will have you a girl' I laughed and hoped she was right and of course she was. My father and her decided that she wasn't a Maddison she was a Shylah. When i received the call in November with "You need to come home sis, mom isn't going to make it" I broke down in tears, called my husband and began to pack. We came home and she held both of my kids, and gleamed at the sight of her granddaughter looking identical to her.  Shortly after that i had to say my final goodbyes as i knew that the Army probably wasn't going to send me home again. I told her that i loved her and i would never forget her or the values she had taught me and that if i could be half the mom she was to me then i would be a wonderful mom. With that she told me that she loved me unconditionally and to never forget it. I love you momma, What will be, will be! Everything happens for a reason, we all have a purpose. And my favorite, "You can never discover new oceans until you have the courage to loose site of the shore!

Real Shitty Day

So its coming closer and closer till i have to say goodbye to my husband. He is my rock and my clear head when everything is going wrong around me! Then i get a call this morning at 4am telling me that my mom slipped into a coma. The doctors are telling the family that it looks like about 48 hrs at max. But guess what>!>! My mom has proved them wrong time and time and time again. When will this nightmare be over? When will my time to sit back and take a deep breath and know that i can lay down my head and close my eyes and know that all the stress and everything that is expected of me will be ok? I hope it is soon because even as a strong army wife i'm not so sure that i can hold together much longer. I just want to sit down and cry and let it all out but seems that every time i let someone know that something is wrong, it seems as if they have tons going on in their own life. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm losing myself in all of this and i don't know how to make the world just stop spinning around me. I'm at a loss for words and direction with everything going on. All i know is that i have to keep it together for my kids and my husband because fear in this line of living isn't an option. I want my momma to hold me and tell me its ok! Just one more time tell me she loves me no matter what and that that she loves me infinty and beyond! It going to be ok though, i know it is, it has to be!

New Day, Better Day

So today was a pretty good day for the most part. The day didn't start out well because on Friday night I went to girls night and apparently I got alcohol poisoning. It wasn't a good day to say the least on Saturday. So anyway, Sunday comes and it was suppose to be our date night and Brad and I begin to fight about the small shit. I slept somehow till 1130 and he didn't wake me up nor did I hear the kids like I normally do. Anyway so we began to fight about the fact that I slept in and that I haven't been doing much house work and that I'm not spending enough time with the family and what I can see is anything he can possibly fight about that will get my blood boiling. So we try to talk it out and it isn't getting any better. And finally I get to the point where I begin to yell and then i realized that i'm wasting what precious time I do have with him. I tell him that i'm sorry that I slept in and that i will try to do better but that he has to give me credit sometimes when I make it all the time when he is gone and that I'm completely terrified that he is leaving very soon. He says that he understands for me not to cry, that he hates it when i cry and basically the entire fight was over NOTHING. I love this man i really do but god sometimes it makes me wonder if he starts fights just to see if I will get mad lol. Other than that we ended the night with going to a movie (The Green Hornet) and going to dinner with friends (Chili's). All in all it was a fairly good night! I hope the rest of my nights and days are as good as these before he leaves!

Jan 3rd 2011

So today my mother was admitted into the ER by the Hospice staff because rigger is starting to set in and her jaw had locked open. They did her surgery and she made it through. Some how some way it isn't God's plan to take her just yet. Maybe today maybe tomorrow I will get that call but i know in my heart that i'm not ready to get that heart. I 'think' i'm ready to let her go be with God but i'm not quite sure. I'm terrified to walk this earth without my mom. All the times she has given me advice, all the times she has been the only one there. I love her sometimes more than I love my children. That sounds horrible but she has been the one that has stood by me for 25 years. She wiped my tears, she listened when no one else understood, she wiped the blood and helped me up after a fall. I'm so very scared to say goodbye and no one will ever understand how i don't think i can go through this life without her. And then on top of everything!!!!!!!! Brad deploys in less than a month and i have to say goodbye to him as well. What do i do, where do i turn, my rock is dieing and my other rock is deploying, I have a ton of friends and a wonderful support system but i'm just not sure. Tristen is showing signs of daddy leaving, Shylah will be ok once she realizes things. I'm scared for them, they will never know my mom like I do. Oh well enough whining today, tomorrow is a new day and a new start. Everything happens for a reason. "You can never discover new oceans until you have the strength to loose site of the shore".

Jess

Bringing in the New Year 2011

So today has been a pretty sad and good day at the same time. Hanging out with some great friends but at the same time learning that my mother's condition has gotten worse. See my mom is dieing and has been for almost 2 months. It's sad to see her go, but good to see her not hurt anymore! I know that in the world that she is going to she will be an amazing angel and that she will look upon my children and I and take care of us! I love her dearly and can't imagine my life without her but i suppose i have to. So today in this new year I have alot to be thankful for and alot of things i'm going to do to change. First off i'm going to start watching my body! In this year while my husband deploys i'm going to tone up, loose weight, and get healthy if not just for myself for my children!! I hope that in the next 12 months that I can teach my children what life is all about since dad won't be here to help I suppose thats a burden I must carry. I have having to be without my husband for so long but it is the life I chose when I married a military man. Long deployments! Such as my life. So in the next year's blogs i'm going to start posting before and multiple updates on both my weight and my 'making business' hehe. I hope that everyone that reads this either is inspired or grasp something for there own personal life that can come to good things!!!